A Sticky Wicket in Bollywood Page 16

  “I thought you said you wouldn’t do that. Didn’t I tell you to talk to him, and see his reasons for doing what he’s doing instead of jumping to the conclusion that he’s just using you for sex?” Neel sat on the edge of the bed, resting his hand on Ajay’s knee.

  “I did say that, and I meant it too. Until I saw a picture of Raj grinding against some guy at the wrap party. I completely lost it.” Ajay rolled on his back, then glared at Neel.

  “Who the hell does he think he is? I’m not good enough even to be seen in public with, but he can dance like that with some man at a club.”

  Neel hummed as he pulled out his phone. “I must have missed that picture.”

  “Neel,” Ajay said in a warning tone.

  “Yeah. Yeah.” Neel flapped his hand vaguely in Ajay’s direction. A few more taps on his screen and Neel must have found the picture, because his eyes widened as he smiled. “I can see why he’s dancing like that. The guy’s hot as hell. I wouldn’t mind doing some dirty dancing of my own with him.”

  Ajay sat up, then slugged Neel as hard as he could in the arm. “Could you refrain from drooling over the bastard? That’s not making me feel better about the whole thing.”

  Neel glanced at him, then raised one of his eyebrows. His expression was as serious as Ajay had ever seen it. “I have to ask this, and to be honest, if you answer anyway but in a negative, I’m going to punch you in the face as hard as I can, then kick your ass.”

  Caught off guard by Neel’s vehemence, Ajay said, “All right. Ask away.”

  “Do you seriously believe Raj is or was having an affair with this guy? Do you think Raj would be cheating on you with him?”

  Ajay thought about what Neel had said. Had he really believed Raj would’ve cheated on him? Was Raj’s sense of honour so poor that he’d use Karishma to throw Ajay off the scent of another male lover? And—this was the kicker—did he think Raj was stupid enough to appear in public with a different lover when he wouldn’t go anywhere with Ajay?

  He’d paused long enough that Neel drew his arm back like he was about to slam his fist into Ajay. Holding up his own hand, he stopped Neel with a shake of his head.

  “I don’t believe Raj would do anything like that.” Ajay dropped his head in his hands.

  “He wouldn’t cheat on me because that’s not the kind of guy he is.”

  “Right.” Neel patted his shoulder.

  “But he was dancing with him like they were a couple, and he’d been telling me the entire time we’ve been hanging out that he has to keep up appearances with Karishma, as none of his fans or the studio would be happy about him being with a guy.” Ajay paused and glanced up at Neel. “But where is Karishma? In every other picture that I’ve seen with Raj in it, Karishma is in it somewhere. She’s not in this one.”

  Neel frowned, and pursed his lips like he was thinking. He suddenly leapt to his feet.

  “Drag your ass out of bed, get dressed, and meet me down in your study. I have an idea.”

  Ajay watched Neel dash out of his room and waited until he couldn’t hear footsteps anymore before he climbed out of bed. He grabbed his pants off the chair, then tugged them on. After snatching up a T-shirt, he pulled it on as he walked downstairs to his study where he found Neel clicking furiously away on his computer.

  “It’s about time you got down here.” Neel didn’t even look up as Ajay walked around the desk.

  “About time? It took me like two minutes to get down here.” Ajay nudged Neel with his hand. “What are you doing?”

  “You asked where Karishma was during that shot, and I got thinking about it. Because you’re right. She wouldn’t have missed an opportunity to get her picture taken.” Neel scrolled through some photos that had all seemed to be taken at the wrap party. “This is actually from Karishma’s Facebook page. Look familiar?” He enlarged one picture and sat back turning the screen slightly towards Ajay.

  Ajay looked closely at the picture, and his heart dropped. He should’ve known there’d be more to the story than he thought. He really should’ve let Raj talk instead of just yelling at him.

  Far from being salacious, the actual shot looked like something that could have been taken at any wedding or family celebration. Yes, Raj was pressed up behind the guy just like he’d seen last night, but what they hadn’t shown was Karishma in turn behind Raj, so that the two of them had Raj in between them. They had all been captured while laughing hard, and moreover, rather than being in some intimate setting, a large crowd had formed around them, consisting of men and women, young and old, pointing and smiling. He even recognised the famous director of the film, and the well-lit room looked like a banquet facility, not a nightclub.

  In short, it had been some innocent fun taken out of context and made to seem tawdry.

  And he had gone off on Raj like the man had deliberately hurt Ajay.

  “Oh shit, I’m an idiot.” Ajay dropped to the floor, and banged his head against the side of his desk. “How could that happen?”

  “It is easy to crop people out, and darken the surrounding area to make it look like it’s just them together in a private moment.” Neel shook his head. “I went looking for the photo, and found this.”

  Ajay pushed up on his knees and looked at the screen. “What am I looking at?”

  “You’re looking at Karishma’s comments on her blog about the whole situation and how disgusted she is that someone would cut her out of the photo.” Neel chuckled. “I figured if anyone would tell the truth, it would be Karishma…since everything is usually about her anyway. And if it was true that Raj and this guy had hooked up, she would’ve been shouting bloody murder from the rooftops.”

  Ajay returned to his position on the floor, and covered his face with his hands. “I’m a complete idiot, Neel. How could I react that way with Raj?” He winced at the memory of what he’d said last night and admitted, “I know he would never do that to me. Raj worries about his career so much that he’d never jeopardise it by doing something like… Ow!”

  He rubbed the back of his head where Neel had just smacked him. “What the hell was that for?”

  “That was because you are a jealous, insecure jackass. Raj loves you, Ajay, and I wouldn’t doubt he has been trying to figure out a way to have you and his career, without destroying either one.

  “Don’t forget. He just got out from under his mother’s influence, not to speak ill of the dead, and from what I understand she’s been making decisions for him his whole life. You need to give him a chance to work things out for himself. Discovering how he actually thinks and feels without his mother around will take longer than a month.” Neel shook his head and poked Ajay with his shoe.

  “I know that now, but you know the problem I have with my temper, and once I think someone’s screwed me over, I can’t stop it. Yet Raj didn’t do anything either time.”

  Bloody hell! All of our problems stem from the fact that I’m stupid. Why can’t I just be happy with Raj? Why do I have to worry about him all the time?

  “What are you going to do about it?” Neel interrupted his thoughts.

  Ajay climbed to his feet and sighed. “I’m going to find out where Raj is, and go see him.

  I have to explain why I did what I did, and beg for him to forgive me.”

  “And if he forgives you, but doesn’t want to have anything more to do with you?”

  Ajay hated that Neel gave voice to his biggest worry. Raj can’t turn me away. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t be with him every day.

  “If he doesn’t want anything to do with me after I apologise, I’ll let him go. It’s my fault that I’m so insecure about him and our relationship.”

  Neel stood up, then embraced Ajay. “I wish you all the luck in the world, man. I’ll tell you this, Raj is at his place.”

  “How did you find that out?” Ajay eyed him.

  “I have my ways, and it’s not because I’m stalking him again or anything like that. Go get your guy back. I’ll lock u
p here.”

  “Thank you so much, Neel. I appreciate all you’ve done for me.” Ajay hugged Neel back, before dashing upstairs to change into some pants and a silk shirt. He slipped on loafers, not bothering with socks.

  After grabbing his wallet and keys, he raced out of his house into the garage. He pulled out of his driveway, and headed in the direction of Raj’s house.

  I’m not going to call him. I don’t want to give him the opportunity to tell me not to come. I have to see him and talk to him.

  Ajay went back over his actions, not only his most recent portrayal as a bastard, but his first starring role back in university. He’d come out in university even though everyone had told him not to. But he’d decided he wasn’t going to hide who he really was behind the mask others wanted him to wear.

  He’d fallen in love with his roommate, and was shocked when it had looked like Raj loved him back. As much as he’d wanted Raj to touch him in public, or act like they were more than just friends, he’d wanted to matter to someone…be important to Raj. Yet right before they’d graduated, Raj had turned his back on him, and had found something more important than Ajay.

  This time it seemed like the same thing had happened, only it was a different man who was good enough for Raj to dance with in public. Ajay was going to be left behind again by someone he loved.

  A sudden thought hit him, and he pulled to the kerb, parking the car. He rested his forehead against the steering wheel. I can’t believe it. It really is all my fault, because I’m so paranoid about being left behind and not being good enough for Raj.

  Did all of this stem from some childhood issue because he was an orphan and had never been adopted? He’d never been good enough for any family to choose, and they’d always walked away from him. Then in university, Raj had said he cared and Ajay felt like he was part of a family. All of a sudden, Raj was leaving, and he’d been left behind. Every chance he got to be happy was taken away because he was never enough.

  So that was why he’d freaked out when he’d seen that picture of Raj and that man. It was because he’d been afraid Raj had decided to leave him again. All Ajay had ever wanted was to be enough for Raj, and it had looked like he wasn’t.

  He had to talk to Raj. Tell him that everything was his fault, and beg for Raj to give him another chance. Maybe this time he could do something to convince Raj that he loved him and would do anything Raj wanted as long as he’d just take him back.

  Ajay cringed at the desperate tone of his thoughts. Okay…maybe he wouldn’t beg. He would simply go and tell Raj it was his fault, and if Raj didn’t want him anymore, then Ajay would accept it.

  He put the car in drive, then pulled out into the traffic again. It didn’t take him as long as it usually did to get to Raj’s. After parking the car, he climbed out to walk up the front steps.

  Armaan opened the door, and stared at him. “May I help you?”

  “Yes, I’d like to see Raj, please.”

  “Just a second.” Armaan shut the door in his face, and Ajay shifted from foot to foot while he waited, sure that the butler would come back at any minute and tell him Raj didn’t want to see him.

  Finally the door opened a second time, and Armaan gestured for Ajay to follow him.

  They walked through Raj’s house out into a beautiful courtyard. Just the sight of Raj standing next to the fountain made Ajay want to drop to his knees and crawl to his lover.

  “Master Singh, sir.” Armaan bowed slightly before leaving them alone.

  “Thank you for being willing to see me, Raj,” Ajay said as he approached Raj.

  When Raj glanced at him, Ajay could see the ravages of a bad night etched on Raj’s face.

  They were all the same signs he’d seen on his face when he looked in the mirror. He hated the fact that he’d caused the hurt that shone in Raj’s eyes.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Rajan focused back on the water, almost dizzy with the conflicting emotions battering his head and heart. When Armaan had taken it upon himself to disturb Rajan’s requested privacy with the news that Ajay was here, Rajan’s first, instinctive reaction was to go weak with relief. Just as quickly, the exhaustion of his sleepless night reminded him of the crushing reception he’d had last night. A rejection made all the more painful by the hope he’d gone into Ajay’s house with. He’d started so high that the resulting crash had been devastating.

  Ajay was nearly vibrating with the restraint, Raj could tell, of forcing himself to keep from crossing the area unbidden. A man of action, Ajay would have a hard time holding himself in check. During the honeymoon phase of their reunion, every time they had been in the same room together, Ajay had found a way to be touching Rajan. It was as though only the feel of his skin could soothe some voracious and hidden need within him.

  They stood in a silent tableau for a few minutes, Ajay’s apology hanging in the air between them.

  “I’ve known you long and well,” Rajan finally broke the silence. “Enough to know the way you tend to overreact when you feel slighted. So, most of the time I can chalk it up to a personality quirk and wait for you to simmer down.”

  He continued to look away from his visitor, but in his peripheral vision, Ajay shifted, taking a step closer.

  “But this time…” He tried to think of how to put into words the complex layers of hurt and disappointment from the night before. “Ajay, when my life was falling apart, and I was frightened and uncertain and didn’t trust anyone around me, there was one exception. You. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would never set out to harm me in any way.”

  Rajan looked up and met Ajay’s intense, worried gaze. “Last night, I learned the hard truth that you don’t trust me back. Worse, you didn’t have faith in me. You wouldn’t open your mind or your ears or your heart. At the time, it was too important to you to keep holding close whatever hurt you felt when you saw that picture, and you wouldn’t hear me.”

  He shook his head, not knowing what else to say.

  Ajay started shaking his head as well. He took another halting step forward, paused, then evidently taking Rajan’s silence as assent, he closed the distance between them and gently, almost reverently, slid his hands along Rajan’s arms.

  The contact he’d missed while in Punjab and had been denied last night triggered something inside Rajan and he snapped. He shoved Ajay, not doing much more than make him sway backwards. Growing angry, he pushed harder, really making an effort topple him, succeeding in pressing him back a step.

  Ajay just accepted his venting and stood in place, moving to keep his balance but not trying to escape or fight back while Rajan worked out his emotions in the one-sided shoving match.

  He gradually slowed his hits and his hands seemed to naturally come to rest on Ajay’s chest. Breathing hard, he looked up at Ajay from the close distance. Before he could do something stupid like kiss him, he turned away and sat on a chaise longue.

  Rajan battled his own pride for a moment, which was enjoying Ajay letting him call the shots. Finally he waved a hand, indicating that Ajay should join him on the seat. He immediately came and sat next to Rajan, their thighs so close that he could feel the warmth radiating between them.

  “I’m sorry, Raj. So sorry that I didn’t trust you.” Ajay gripped his hands together, obviously trying to not to touch Raj. “But the thing is, I really do…trust you. It’s just I was afraid you were going to leave me again.”

  That was so unexpected that Rajan almost stopped breathing for a moment as he processed what Ajay had just admitted. “How could you think I’d leave you? You’ve been my life since we were brought back together. That was one picture, one person in a moment in time, but you are the one I reach out to constantly. You are the one I miss and think about every minute of the day. And as soon as I was back, I came straight to you.”

  “I know, and I blew it.”

  Ajay’s dejected tone went a long way towards soothing the wounds of the night before
.

  Rajan nudged Ajay’s leg with his. “You didn’t blow it. I do wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt.” He marvelled that such a confident man in most areas of his life could have such deep-seated insecurities when it came to love.

  Love.

  Was that it? Was he unsure of Rajan’s commitment not only because of his reluctance to come out, but also because he hadn’t yet said that word to him?

  Rajan began to smile, feeling the weight of the world drop from his shoulders. He could take care of both of those issues with one fell swoop.

  Going to his knees in front of Ajay, he moved between his legs and took his hands. “I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to hear me. Okay? Can you promise you’ll listen and really think about what I say?”

  Ajay took a deep breath, then nodded. “Yes, I’ll listen and think about whatever you tell me. It’s the least I can do after I went off on you last night.”

  Rajan gazed straight into his warm, dark eyes. “I made a discovery about myself by the end of our time apart the past couple of weeks. Nothing is more important to me than you.

  Not my career and definitely not public opinion. I love you, and I’m willing to share that with the world. I want to tell the world. Because you’re mine again and I’m not stupid enough to lose you twice.”

  That summed up everything he felt to be true. Which was a good thing, because even if he’d wanted to say more, it wouldn’t have been possible—the moment he stopped talking to take a breath, Ajay’s mouth was on his in a hard, possessive kiss.

  He pulled back and looked down at Rajan with joy in every line of his face. “Thank you for telling me that. I needed to hear that your career isn’t more important than me. I love you, Raj, and I promise to do my best not to freak out on you again. I know that you sometimes have to spend time with other people.” Ajay made a face. “Though I would prefer that you didn’t dirty dance with them.”